Broken Dreams
by xDaisyPetalx
Summary: Even when they finally get together, things aren't always happy for Castle and Beckett. Their little secret becomes a broken dream. FINAL CHAPTER IS UP!
1. Chapter 1

**This came into my head as a 'prequel' to Johanna Castle to show why she might be so precious to them. Try not to hate me too much.**

**This may be more than a one-shot if I decide there's more to tell. There's a few ideas circling in my head but with my workload nothing's concrete yet. **

**I do not own any of these characters.**

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><p>Kate Beckett sat in her chair at the precinct. Today was a paperwork day, a boring day. There were no murders to be solved, no adrenaline pumping runs whilst chasing a suspect; and no Castle, following her around like a puppy, getting under her feet. Or so she'd thought. Even though they practically lived together nowadays he still accompanied her to work on paperwork days, sitting and watching her as she worked. It had used to be infuriating, now it was irritating but also slightly amusing. She'd look up and their eyes would lock for a moment, her lips curling into a small smile. She found her hand straying to her stomach, resting there and making her smile grow. Ten weeks, they hadn't told anyone yet. Not even Martha or Alexis. For now it was their little secret, their cherished and special thing which only they knew about. She'd been nervous when she'd taken the test, apprehensive. But, in the short time she'd known about her pregnancy she'd already begun to anticipate the arrival in her mind. She and Castle would lie curled up together at night just talking, discussing how everything was going to turn out. Yet a thought ate away at the back of her mind, she was still in her first trimester, things could still go wrong. She tried to push them away but they remained, she kept them to herself though, not wanting to sound neurotic.<p>

Castle had popped out for a moment to grab them a sandwich for lunch, she'd demanded that they stay in and not go to Remy's as she had too much work to do (and in the time he was gone she worked twice as fast with no distractions).

"Hey, Beckett?" Ryan called from his desk. She turned, throwing him a questioning and slightly irritated look, not appreciating the interruption of her thought process. "I just need you to sign this really quickly. Then it's done." His tone was apologetic so she obliged. As she got to her feet she felt a twinge in her abdomen and she frowned. She quickly made her way over to Ryan's desk, leaning down slightly to sign the form. "Are you okay boss?" Ryan asked, concerned, "you look really pale."

"I'm fine, I just…" her breath caught as the twinge became a sharp pain, she staggered slightly, grasping the table, her eyes wide as the elevator doors opened, revealing Castle. He was smiling, relaxed and clutching a sandwich bag. One look at her and his expression changed, "I think…" she managed to get out "we need to get to the hospital Rick." He was over there like lighting, lunch forgotten. He steadied her, putting her arm round his shoulders and holding her upright. She tried to steady herself, to look respectable as questioning eyes stared at her from all angles, yet she couldn't conceal the fear in her face. As the doors to the elevator closed she opened her mouth to talk yet Castle interrupted.

"It's okay." He paused, his other arm wrapped tightly around her waist "It's all going to be okay." Yet she noticed how drawn he looked, the worry lines standing out and the clenched jaw. He practically carried her to his car outside and they drove in silence. The lack of conversation said more than anything they could, they were trying to contain their fear, their knowledge that something was going badly wrong. Kate could feel her eyes start to cloud over with hot tears and she pushed them back, furious with herself, desperate not to lose hope of their secret. Yet as she looked down several tears escaped from her eyes.

"Rick?" her voice trembled "I'm bleeding." He put his foot down.

As he pulled into the ER he leapt out of the car "Help!" he called, "I need a wheelchair, take her up to OB!" he opened Kate's door and helped her out of the car, she was shaking so much she could barely stand and the wheelchair couldn't come soon enough and she collapsed into it. As they moved quickly down the corridor to an examination room he filled the doctor in on her condition "She's ten weeks pregnant, the bleeding has only just started." The doctor nodded and opened the door to the examination room, as Castle tried to enter the doctor stopped him.

"I'm sorry I can't allow you in here. We don't allow anyone other than doctors or nurses in." Castle didn't even have time to speak, only saw Kate's eyes, wide and panicked as the door was closed in his face. He slammed his fist against the window in frustration and he felt a hand on his shoulder, a nurse.

"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to come and sit in the waiting room."

"But I…" to his surprise his voice was strained, broken.

"Sir it's regulations, I can't have you standing out here." As he turned to leave the door flew open, he saw Kate on a gurney, unconscious. They were only there for a moment as she was whisked away, and the firm hand returned to his shoulder, leading him to the waiting room.

He didn't know how long he sat and waited, it felt like an eternity. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out, a message from Martha. 'Hello darling, I just wanted to know what time you'll be home. Call when you can. Mother x' he felt a lump form in his throat and, coughing hard to try and clear it, called home.

"Hello, Richard?"

"Hi" it amazed him how steady his voice seemed.

"Darling, I just wanted to know when you'll be in this evening with Kate."

"Um," he pinched the bridge of his nose, looking at his feet "I don't know, why?"

"Well, as you know Alexis will be out tonight and I thought if you and Kate were getting in late I might as well go out for the evening."

That would work, he knew whatever happen that he and Kate would want some quiet time. He took a deep breath "Yes, I don't know what time we'll be in but you should go out."

"Oh?"

"Kate and I haven't had a night in, alone, for ages. I think we might need it."

"Alright sweetheart, I'll be out of your hair then. I'll see you soon and try not to get into any trouble."

He could almost see her going to put the phone down so he quickly blurted out, "Mother?"

There was a pause "Yes?"

"I love you."

Her reply was surprised, even guarded "I love you too, stay safe." And with that she put the phone down.

As he replaced his phone into his pocket he saw the doctor approaching out of the corner of his eye, turning quickly he said "How is she?"

The doctor had that controlled, unreadable look he hated "She's stable; she's recovering in the maternity ward."

"And the baby?" if she was in the maternity ward, it had to be good news, right?

"I'm afraid she lost the baby." The words hit him like a tonne of bricks "the foetus had already died, probably a week ago" so all that time they'd planned, they'd been doomed to failure? "Her body was simply rejecting it. We managed to clear her uterus and she'll be fine, it won't affect her ability to have more children".

Yet Castle felt anger bubbling up inside of him "If she lost the baby, then why did you put her in the maternity wing?" He didn't give the doctor time to answer as he stormed away. He broke into a run as he rounded the corner, as he got closer he could hear the cries of newborn babies and the grief started, it felt as if his heart was breaking. Yet, if this was the affect on him, who knows what it was doing to Kate. He reached her room, slowly opening the door. She was lying on a bed, hooked up to an IV, the steady beeping showed her strong heartbeat. She was so still it was almost as if she was asleep, her face turned away from him. Yet as he got closer she turned to look at him, her eyes hollow and dark from grief, her face drawn and, already, there were dark circles under her eyes. He didn't say anything, just took her hand, sat down on the chair by the bed and placed a chaste kiss on her dry, pale lips. They sat in silence, listening to the sound of happy families around them, both of them aching to be those people and to be away from their situation. Eventually a nurse came in, ready to discharge her, they barely listened to what she was saying. The walls seemed to be closing in on all sides so without a word Castle helped her into the mandatory wheelchair, signed the discharge papers and wheeled her out of the hospital. He watched as they went down the ward. Her hazel eyes took in each room as they past, the new mother holding her baby, the father standing and watching proudly. Yet she didn't break, if anything she sat straighter, her posture closed and tense. After a while she couldn't take it anymore and her eyes drifted down to her hands, clasped in her lap.

He knew she wasn't going to talk, she'd closed up. As they drove back to the loft in silence he searched for something, anything, to say; but what was there that would even start to heal the hopelessness she felt? He could tell her they'd have more kids, that it wasn't her fault, that he was sorry, but would good would that do? He knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't believe him, that by saying them, it would make the ideas bigger in her mind. He pulled into his normal parking space and took off his seatbelt, looking over at her. She was making no move to get out of the car. He sighed, climbing out of the car and walking round to her side, opening her door and leaning over to undo her seatbelt. She reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck, craving the comfort wordlessly. He wrapped his arm around her waist and with his other arm he lifted her legs, supporting her as he carefully lifted her out of the car, shutting the car door with his hip, mentally thanking the vehicle for its automatic locking system. He held her as close to him as possible as he made his way up to the loft. As he reached the door to his home it swung open, revealing his mother, ready to go out. Her eyes widened "Richard? What happened?" he shook his head at her, as he felt Kate's breath hitch slightly. He moved past his mother to his and Kate's room. He gently lay her down on their bed, brushing the hair from her eyes.

"Sleep," he murmured "I'll come and wake you later with something to eat." She nodded, not bothering to move or even remove her shoes. She just closed her eyes with a long sigh. Castle turned to see his mother watching them in the doorway. He frowned, walking out of the room, turning out the light and closing the door behind him.

"Richard, what happened?" she repeated; her tone more firm this time.

He brought his hands up to his face, his fingers curled and pressing into his face, trying to keep composure, "I really don't want to talk about it." His voice was raw with emotion as he tried to avoid his mother's gaze.

"Is it the baby?"

His hands dropped, he looked at her incredulously "Wha... you?"

"Oh I've known for almost along as you two have. You both need to learn to mask how you're feeling if you want to keep that kind of thing a secret. Kate's hands are always resting on her stomach, and if they're not, yours are…" she tailed off, seeing how her son's eyes were beginning to cloud. "Oh honey." She enveloped him in a tight hug "I'm so sorry." She sighed "It does get better though, the pain will fade and you'll have more children." She rubbed circles on his back, "Now go and get some sleep." She released him from the hug, holding him at arm's length "You both need each other right now. Be honest with her and she'll be with you." He nodded and she pulled him in for a quick squeeze before making her way to the front door, "I'll see you tomorrow; Alexis will be home at about 10 tomorrow morning."

He watched the door close and sighed, turning to face their bedroom door where he knew Kate would be trying to sleep. He slipped off his shoes, leaving them by the door and moving carefully into the bedroom. She was lying in the same position he'd left her in, her sat on the end of the bed and removed her shoes for her, sat her upright to take off her jacket, and then tugged at the covers under her until they were loose and he could cover her with them. He then climbed under the covers himself, lying close to her, his arm draped across her middle. He kissed the crevice where her neck met her shoulders and murmured "I love you." He felt her take a deep shuddering breath.

"I love you too." He heard the broken reply

"Now sleep" he whispered and he felt her nod. He closed his eyes, and drifted into oblivion.

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><p><strong>Please review!<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

**I decided to add another chapter, I'm thinking this will probably be a three part fic. Hopefully you guys enjoy it! Thank you so much for your responses on the last chapter. **

**I do not own any of these characters. **

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><p>When his eyes strained to open it was dark, and Beckett wasn't there. Groaning slightly, he rubbed at his sleep caked eyes and sat up, trying to take in the room and get his brain to work. The ache in his gut told him that something bad had happened, but in his sleepy haze he couldn't pinpoint it. The fact he was still in his working clothes didn't help. Then he spotted Beckett's jeans that had been thrown aside, and the now brown patch caught his eye and it all came back to him in a rush, taking his breath away.<p>

She'd lost the baby. They'd lost the baby.

He swung his legs off the bed and stood up, moving to go out of the bedroom and taking the jeans that lay crumpled on the floor as he went. His footsteps were heavy as he walked into the kitchen, and he threw the jeans into the washing machine with a sigh. Looking out of a window he could see that the first light was beginning to creep over the city, it had to be about 5am. It was then he heard muffled sobbing. He trod carefully into the living room and found her staring out of those huge windows that overlooked the city, her arms clasped around her as if she was trying to comfort herself with a hug. Every so often her body shook and she lifted a hand to her mouth to muffle the sound coming from it, supposedly so as to not wake him. He watched her for a moment, his heart breaking for her. Then he moved to stand behind her, wrapping his arms around her. She finally broke, with a gasp her body doubled over, a sound somewhere between a sob and a groan of grief coming from her body followed by a strangled "God Castle!" His arms held her firmly round the middle and she turned into him, her hands grasping at his shirt as she buried her face into his chest, he could hear her whispering something between her sobs and it took him a moment to realise she was saying, over and over again "I'm so sorry Rick, I'm so sorry". His arms tightened around her for a moment before releasing her slightly, holding her at arm's length, his hands clasped on her shoulders.

"Now you listen to me" his voice was gruff with emotion, he could feel his throat tightening "This is not your fault, it isn't anyone's fault. It's just the universe okay?" his eyes never left her watery, red rimmed ones. "Don't you ever blame yourself Kate, don't you ever..." he had to break off for a moment, swallowing hard and looking away to try and compose himself. He felt her hand brush his cheek and he looked back at her, this time it was her turn to envelop him in a hug and they stood there, comforting one another. After a few moments he pressed a kiss to the top of her head "We'll try again," he murmured "when you're ready, when we're both ready."

"And what of it doesn't work?" her voice was quiet, voicing the fear that had been building inside her "what if I can never give you the child that I know you want?"

"I want you more." he clarified "If it doesn't happen then..." he paused "I'd be more sad for you than me, I have Alexis already," he stopped again "If we don't have a child then we both have Alexis, she looks to you like the mother figure she never had." He felt her nod and he kissed her head again, releasing her from the hug and winding his arm round her waist. "Come on now love," he murmured "let's go to bed."

She leant into him as they padded back into the room they shared. She sat carefully down on the bed, taking off the clothes she'd been wearing before and replacing them with a pair of leggings and a large t-shirt, her normal sleeping attire. Castle followed suit, putting on an old, worn t-shirt and the pyjama bottoms he slept in and they both slipped under the covers. She nestled into him, her head resting on his chest and his arms wrapped around her.

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><p>When her eyes fluttered open it was daylight, Castle was still asleep, his chest rising and falling steadily with every breath. She sighed, the ache in her heart and stomach hadn't faded, but she felt stronger. They wouldn't drown her like they did yesterday. Careful not to wake him she slowly sat up. 9am, and Alexis would be home soon and wondering why the loft was in such a state of chaos. Her stomach grumbled; she hadn't eaten in 24 hours; the lunch that Castle had brought her was probably sitting in the same place at the 12th. She groaned, getting to her feet and grabbing one of Castle's old jumpers, the one they fought over. He'd had it since before Alexis was born and he never wore it outside the loft. She loved it as much as he did, it smelt of him and she always felt as if his arms were around her when she wore it. So they'd fight over it- she'd grab it when he wasn't looking, whenever he asked her to grab him a sweater she'd bring him a different one and she'd emerge wearing the tattered blue woollen jumper she loved so much.<p>

She gently padded in the kitchen, all was quiet. She turned on the coffee maker, leaning against the counter and closing her eyes, trying not to think. When she thought, her mind would stray back to what could've been; her lying in a hospital bed clasping their child in her arms whilst he looked at her with that goofy smile she loved so much. She shook her head to try and clear it, her eyes snapped open, the images dispersing and she turned back to her now ready coffee. Holding the mug to warm her hands she took a few sips, staring blankly at the wall in front. She didn't notice Martha enter the kitchen until she heard a gentle "Kate?"

Her head snapped round to the voice, almost dropping her coffee "Martha." her voice came out as a croak, her throat still lacking moisture from the crying earlier, she knew her eyes would still be swollen and, self conscious, she turned away "Can I get you anything?"

"No darling it's alright," out of the corner of her eye she saw Martha sit at one of the chairs facing the countertop, placing her elbows on it and resting her chin on her clasped palms, watching her intently. "Are you alright?" The older woman's blue eyes were filled with concern, with pity.

She felt as if someone had punched her, "You know." It was a statement and not a question. She felt almost ashamed, they weren't even engaged yet; then, she'd gotten pregnant out of wedlock and finally, lost the baby, a failure on all counts.

"Yes sweetheart."

She still couldn't meet her eye, she tried to strengthen her resolve "Well, everything happens for a reason, it just wasn't" she took a deep breath "strong enough to survive." Silence. She kept rambling, "and, I mean, it was so early on I..."

"Kate" Martha cut in, each word carefully decided on "Please don't try and rationalise this, or how you're feeling. We both know that this is a tragedy."

She gulped, not wanting to have this conversation "I don't think that..."

"I heard you this morning." There was a long silence, Beckett's eyes dropped to her bare feet, with a long exhale, feeling her jaw clench and her eyes burn as she tried to hold back tears "and I'm so sorry Kate, for both of you." She nodded, her eyes still shut as she titled her head upwards as she leant against the cooker and kitchen countertops, her knuckles turning white as she clenched the marble jutting out. A few tears managed to squeeze through her eyelids, slowly making their way down her cheeks.

"I feel like a failure" her voice was tight "I know I shouldn't and," she paused "it'd make Rick angry to hear it."

"I know" Martha's tone was understanding and she leant over, taking Kate's hand in her own. Kate's glassy hazel eyes opened, allowing a few more tears to trickle onto the countertop separating them. "You can't rationalise the way you're feeling sweetheart. But please, -and I know you probably won't believe me -but you are not a failure. You've made my son happier than I ever imagined he could be; you've turned him into a good man. I know that he was before with Alexis but something was missing. He needs you, Kate, and the only reason he'd get angry if he thought you were describing yourself as a failure is because it's so untrue." Kate nodded again, opening her mouth to speak just as the front door swung open.

"Hey Gram, Kate! Sorry I'm back a bit early but Paige had to be somewhere, so they dropped me off on the way..." Alexis faltered, seeing Kate's face, even though she had tried to turn away quickly to hide it. "Um..." there was a long pause; the silence was almost deafening "Kate, are you alright?"

Kate cleared her throat "Yes" she frantically wiped at her eyes "I'm fine 'Lex", forcing the corners of her mouth to turn up into a smile that didn't reach her eyes she continued "You want some breakfast?"

Alexis nodded, dropping her bag by the stairs to climb onto the barstool next to her grandmother "If you're sure." her tone was reserved and her blue eyes concerned, but Kate gave a curt nod.

"So," desperate to return to normality Kate began to grab plates from the cupboards "How was the party?" As Alexis began to describe her evening Kate went into autopilot, the bread went in the toaster, the spreads came out of the cupboards and the butter out of the fridge. She didn't sit at the barstools with the two women but leant forward against it, slowly chewing her toast even though it tasted like cardboard.

Eventually Martha excused herself so that she could head off to a rehearsal and Alexis went to empty her overnight bag in her room. After clearing away the plates Kate stood there for a moment, wondering what she was supposed to do. She was positive if she went to work she'd be sent home again, and in any case the boys and Lanie would be desperate to know what had happened yesterday but there was no way she wanted to tell them about it now, it hurt too much. Normally she'd ponder over a case, the scenarios, but she knew where her mind would wander if she stopped and thought and she knew she had to keep busy. With a long sigh she padded up the stairs to Alexis' room, sticking her head round the door. "Need any help?" she asked softly and the red-haired girl turned around with a smile.

"Sure." it wasn't as if Alexis was totally incapable of unpacking a small bag on her own but she sensed that the woman, who had come to be a mother figure to her, needed her to be around without asking questions. She watched carefully as Kate sat down on her bed, reaching into her bag and pulling out some of her clothes.

"Clean or dirty?"

"Clean" Kate began to fold them methodically, placing them in a pile beside her once she was done. Alexis moved toward her and Kate handed her the pile of clothes for her to put away. Then she repeated the process. Pulling out more clothes with a questioning look, "dirty" Kate threw them into a pile beside the door. "Kate..." she looked up "Are you sure you're okay?" Kate nodded. Alexis sat on the bed beside her, not taking her eyes off of her.

"Just give me a hug okay 'Lex" Kate cast her eyes down at her lap, her voice barely a whisper. She felt the girl's arms encircle her and she turned to reciprocate the hug. They sat there for a moment, Kate planting a light kiss on the top of her head, taking in the smell of the girl's hair. Cherries, she'd been using her shampoo. A real smile played on her lips for the first time that day and she chuckled dryly. "You been using my shampoo?" she felt the girl nod and she gave her a tight squeeze. There was nothing she loved more than feeling this girl, practically her daughter, in her arms.

"Kate?"

"Mhhh?"

"You're crushing me."

Kate gave a small smile and released her "Sorry." She was slightly embarrassed, she'd never shown the affection she had for her so publically, they were both quiet, their relationship built on mutual respect and a trust that had taken a while to be built up. Their eyes met for a moment. Kate knew that Alexis was certain she was hiding something; awkwardly they both averted their gaze once more. She gave a deep sigh. "What do you want to do today?"

Alexis smiled, placing her hand on Kate's arm "I'm thinking a crappy movie and ice-cream?"

Kate's smile broadened "I think that sounds perfect"

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><p><strong>I hope you enjoyed it! Please review :) <strong>


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, sorry it has being so long. I've been working and we had a small problem on the beta front ;) anyway I hope you enjoy... after this there'll be an epilogue and then it'll be done.**

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><p>Rick was awoken by the shrill ringing of his mobile. His body still heavy from sleep he stretched out his arm to grab the phone on the bedside table. His mind was still hazy, his eyes squinting as the brightness from the phone screen shocked his eyes after a night of sleep. Paula. He groaned; whatever the woman had to say to him now he really didn't want to hear. He had more pressing things on his mind. He hit the ignore button. The space next to him on the bed was empty again but the bed had obviously been slept in. His favourite jumper was gone from its normal place and he couldn't help but crack a smile. Kate must've taken it. He pulled himself into a sitting position and swung his legs over the side of the bed, taking a moment to acclimatise. A night's sleep had helped to clear his mind, especially having Kate curled in his arms. She was never an overly affectionate person; she detested public displays of affection, something he loved as it always made her cheeks turn an endearing shade of pink. That meant that the simple things were sometimes left out. She'd happily sit with his arm around her shoulders while they watched a movie but, despite having been together for a while, she'd get embarrassed if she found out she'd fallen asleep on him. Likewise she wasn't the kind of person to ask for help, she'd bottle it up inside until she broke down; either in anger or in hysterical tears (which she normally did in private if she could). It wasn't that she didn't trust him, she just felt uncomfortable sharing her feelings. That was just Kate. Even though she'd had to break down in order for him to get a sense of how she was feeling, he'd felt a sense of accomplishment when she lay in his arms. It gave him hope that they'd be able to get through this together and that she could lean on him . He hated it when she closed up, last night especially. He tried his best but with no feelings coming from her it was difficult to know if he was doing the right thing. He stood up, grabbing another (less comfortable) jumper from the armchair and slipping into the kitchen. It was deserted, but an empty coffee cup on the side and a whirring dishwasher showed that Kate, and possibly Alexis and his mother, were around and had eaten breakfast.<p>

Opening the fridge is eyes scanned down the shelves for something quick to eat. He just wanted to have a gentle day with his family with Kate curled in his arms and Alexis close by. This was when they needed each other, despite the fact Alexis had no idea what was going on. Though ever since his mother had known straight away what had happened he'd been battling with the growing doubt that if his mother had guessed, it was possible Alexis had too. His phone started shrieking again. Paula again. He grabbed the phone "What?" his tone was irritable, he had no intention of doing any book tours despite the fact his book came out next month, and the prospect of leaving his family (especially now with Kate) filled him with both dread and resentment toward his profession.

"Have you seen the papers?" he was surprised by her agitated tone "Rick I'm trying to keep them at bay but I have absolutely no idea and was hoping you could enlighten me."

His blood turned to ice. There was only one thing the papers could have on them that could've emerged in the last 24 hours. He quickly moved over to the counter where the newspapers were normally stashed. "Paula I..." Flipping to page six he let out a roar of anger. There were was one photo that filled the page. Kate. She was sitting in a wheelchair; she was looking straight out, staring into nothingness. They must've played with the saturation of the photograph because Kate looked as white as a sheet and the rings under her eyes were almost purple. He was standing beside her, his brow furrowed in concern (an anger at her treatment at the hospital but they didn't know that). He could hear Paula practically yelling at him on the other side of the phone but his whole world was standing still. He felt his hands grip the paper with a vice-like grip, his whole body shaking. On top of the photo was the blazing headline 'CASTLE IN CHAOS'.

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><p>A sudden roar downstairs made the two women jump and they both moved quickly to the stairs overlooking the loft to see Castle storming toward his office, a newspaper clutched in his hand as he yelled down the phone "Damn it Paula, sort this now!", the door slammed with a sound that reverberated around the walls, leaving silence punctuated by Castle's muffled yells. Kate felt her body tense, her shoulders rise as the muscles in her body contracted; she'd never seen that kind of anger from him before, even when they'd fought. Her hands tightened on the metal bars. This couldn't be good. With emotions already running so high she had a good idea of what could get Castle so angry that included Paula.<p>

"Kate" Alexis' voice shook slightly "Can you please tell me what's going on?" Kate sighed, trying to relax her muscles slightly as she turned to face Alexis. The girl's brow was furrowed, just like her father's did when he was anxious or worried. Her bright blue eyes were open wide but met Kate's with a burning intensity, just like Rick's. Despite the stark differences in hair colour, the father and daughter were uncannily alike in their mannerisms and appearances. Kate couldn't hold her gaze any longer; dropping her eyes downward she took Alexis hand in her own and led her downstairs, into the living area. She could feel Alexis tugging against her slightly, obviously worried. Kate sat down on the sofa and, releasing Alexis' hand, patted the space next to her for her to sit, which Alexis did.

"First 'Lex, I just want to emphasise that your Dad and I are both fine so you can relax a bit." Kate jumped straight in, knowing that Alexis' mind would be racing to the worst possible scenarios and she didn't want to keep the girl waiting and in torture. She sucked in air through slightly pursed lips as she prepared herself "I had a miscarriage yesterday." it was the first time she'd said it out loud and as the words came out of her mouth it seemed all the more real. She'd never see the child she and Rick had conceived together. It was gone, forever, and there was nothing she could do about it. The silence fell over the two again but Kate was aware of Alexis sitting beside her, still tense, processing the information but, with a quick glance at her, her face said it all. Hurt. She let out the air in a rush "The reason we didn't tell you before was in case something happened." she could hit herself now "which is ridiculous, I see that now. If it makes you feel any better we didn't tell anyone; not Martha, or any of the people at the 12th" she bit her lip, watching Alexis carefully, trying to gage a reaction, any reaction "We were going to tell you in a couple of weeks once I was through my first trimester" her voice cracked slightly as she felt her throat thicken with the ideas they'd thrown around to tell their family and friends. "I'm sorry Alexis."

They sat there, Alexis staring into space and Kate watching her; her eyes flicking to the girl and to her hands clasped tightly in her lap, trying to keep in control.

Seconds went by and, finally, Alexis turned round and hugged her tightly. But as she let her go her tone was firm "I'm sorry Kate," She paused. "I'm sorry that happened but I'm angry you didn't tell me" there was another silence and Alexis took her hand, her voice gentler now "But I guess there's not much point," she squeezed her hand "I am really sorry." Kate nodded. Alexis lay her head on Kate's shoulder and Kate wound her arm around the girl. Kate couldn't help but feel relieved that Alexis had been alright about the whole thing. If she ever got pregnant again (and right now that seemed like a big 'if') she'd include the girl absolutely, as soon as they knew. She jumped as a stream of obscenities issued from Rick's office. "Um, Kate I think you better go sort him out before he starts throwing things."

Kate got to her feet "I think you're right" she paused "But I can't imagine him throwing things."

Alexis sighed "He does. He does when it's to do with you."

Kate stood rooted to the spot for a moment. Then, eyes narrowed she moved quickly to the office. Opening the door quickly she saw Rick, eyes wide, hair sticking straight up in the air, his body tense. He'd just put the phone down and, not noticing her, he hurled his phone across the room where it hit the artwork for his latest novel, the screen cracking as it hit the floor. He suddenly noticed her, stepping backward in surprise and she looked at him, eyes blazing. She stepped inside, closing the door with a firm 'click' behind her. His mouth opened and shut, trying to get out something to say but anger and surprise stopping him "Are you quite done?" her voice was surprisingly strong and level "because you're worrying Alexis" she didn't mention herself. She'd never seen him like this, so wild and out of control, and it did frighten her. He was still holding the, now mangled, newspaper in his hand and he slammed it down on the table, turning away from her to look out of the window over-looking New York City. She smoothed it out; taking in the picture, the headline, the speculation about what was wrong with her. She sighed. She knew this came with being Rick's girlfriend, fiancée, whatever they were. He'd never explicitly proposed but he always referred to 'their wedding day' whenever that may be. It didn't make it any easier; she hated the invasion of privacy and having to hide her face when they went out together. She hated always having to be on the look-out. Rick had never cared before but he knew she longed to just have a few private moments. That was why he was so angry, she knew that. He knew that she hated people to see her when she was vulnerable so to have it splashed across the newspaper was almost unbearable. She looked over to him, he was breathing heavily, and his whole body wracked his tension. They both stood there for a few moments, Kate feeling the hammering of her heart against her chest, counting the seconds. She put the newspaper back down on the table and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders to comfort him in the same way he'd done to her earlier that day. She gave him a gentle squeeze "Hey" she murmured, pressing her lips to his neck. There was no reaction, he just continued to stare out at the city "Sweetheart," she never usually used terms of endearment but now... now seemed like the right time "it's okay" he pulled away from her and began to pace up and down his office.

"No it's not okay Kate" his voice sounded strangled "This is too much, too much of an invasion. I sometimes don't know why you stick around..."

"Do you think that little of me Castle?" She took a step toward his, her eyes boring into him, she reached up and held his jaw in her hand, forcing him to meet her gaze not bothering to be gentle "I stick around because I love you" her tone was low, every word said with diction, emphasis. "I'm not running, how many times do I have to tell you? I'm here for the long haul." she watched as his burning blue eyes became watery, less intense. It hit her that he hadn't had a chance to grieve yet, he'd been so caught up in her and she'd been so swamped by her own emotions, her own guilt, she hadn't stopped to help him, to try and heal his hurt. She pulled him into her and wrapped her arms tightly around him, He reciprocated the hug and she felt his tears create a damp patch on her t-shirt, "Oh Rick," she said with a long exhale "we'll get through this. I know that we will." She released him, looking at his face. The smile lines around his mouth, the creases by his eyes he got when he smiled. She kissed both of his cheekbones, damp from tears and gave him a weak smile. "Now, let's get a statement ready." She flopped down into one of the chairs by his desk, reserving the revolving one from him. She sat cross-legged, looking up at him before she patted the seat of his chair.

He sat, "I...I don't know what to say" his voice was gruff, quiet and reserved, but he seemed slightly more relaxed now.

She grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper out of one of the draws, twirling the pencil in her fingers. She stared at the blank piece of paper, thinking. "Regarding your recent article, the Castle family would like to assure readers that Kate Beckett is absolutely fine." She paused, giving him an encouraging smile. She was fine, yes maybe not emotionally, neither of them were. But she was healthy and they could go on to have more children and that was what they needed to focus on. She continued, "However, they did not appreciate the invasion of their privacy in what was a stressful and unsettling time and ask for your respect when dealing with possibly trying times." she turned to him again, seeking his approval and he nodded slowly.

"That sound fine" he gave her a weak smile "Paula can change bits here and there but the message is right." He laid his hand on hers, his thumb running along her fingers "You're becoming a natural." there was a hint of bitterness in his voice and she squeezed his hand.

"I wouldn't have it any other way" he nodded as a response and she knew she'd gotten through to him. "Now" she released his hand and got to her feet "I'm going to call Paula" she continued quickly as he opened his mouth to protest "You need to go and talk to Alexis" there was no way he was going to argue with her "She knows" she finished "and it's okay."

As she walked out of the study she spotted Alexis sitting on the sofa, still obviously listening. She grabbed the phone from its stand by the door, heading up to their bedroom. As she passed Alexis, she stopped and squeezed the girl's shoulder "Your dad will be out in a minute. He's just sorting some stuff out." Alexis nodded, turning to see her father emerge (slightly shakily) from his study, allowing Kate to slip away upstairs. Once in the safety of her bedroom she took out the phone; first Paula, then her Dad to explain the stuff in the papers- he had a right to know. She sighed, dialling the first number. "Hey Paula. Yes, it's Kate. Yes I know, he's calmer now. I do, I have a statement for you."

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><p><strong>There you go! Please review!<strong>


	4. Epilogue

**Sorry this has taken so long to go up. I think you all deserve some happiness in this chapter. **

**Oh, and a bit of shameless promotion - please go and check out my latest story 'Fever'! It's happier I promise. **

**Finally, a thank you to my beta Tash for sticking with me.**

**I do not own any of the characters except Rose. **

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><p>They all stood, tensely watching, in the waiting room. The last time they'd been all together in this place had been after Kate's shooting. But then again, Castle had been with them then, not with her. Then there had been a deep rooted fear in them all, a panic and a hopelessness that none of them had been able to shake; now an excited buzz filled the air.<p>

That didn't stop Jim Beckett pacing though, up and down the corridor his hands pushed deep into his pockets. Alexis lay on several of the chairs, fast asleep with her head resting in Martha's lap. They'd been there for four hours, all of them refusing to leave until they heard news. Ryan, Esposito and Lanie all sat together, though Lanie (like Alexis) was fast asleep, her head resting on Esposito's shoulder, his arm draped around hers. They'd tried nervous chit-chat, tried to lighten the mood with jokes but in the end they were most comfortable when they were silent, each kept company by their own thoughts. You could see it on their faces; occasionally Ryan or Esposito would crack a smile at each other, imagining Beckett screaming at Castle, ready to rip his chest hair out for doing this to her. A few moments later, Alexis would sigh, beaming when she realised that she wasn't going to be the only one anymore, that she'd have a sibling; and Jim, only once or twice, had stopped, closing his eyes to picture what it would be like if his wife could have been there to share this experience with him, their first grandchild. Yes, they were happiest with their own thoughts.

At 5am a door was flung open. There he stood, Rick Castle. His eyes were slightly wide and crazed, and he looked exhausted. His clothes were rumpled from having slept in the hospital for a day and a half but his face bore the widest smile anyone had ever seen on him. "It's a girl!" he choked out "ten fingers, ten toes, she's perfect!" and at once the room was a buzz of activity.

Kate lay on the hospital bed, exhausted. She'd sent Castle out to report to the waiting room but told him that she'd see everyone tomorrow. She needed sleep.

But she was too excited.

Like a child on Christmas Eve her stomach was full of butterflies. Every so often she would look over to the crib beside her where her daughter lay. She'd watch her daughter's chest rise and fall with each breath, gaze entranced as her facial muscles relaxed and contracted whilst she slept. Kate just wanted to hold her all the time, to take in that baby smell, to just breath in the sweetness of the mess of brown hair, just like her own. She was pretty sure Rick was just as exhausted as she was, and just as excited.

The labour hadn't been easy. She'd been late, grouchy and desperate to get the baby out of her. She'd done everything; sex, spicy food, long walks. Eventually, the day before she was going to be induced, it happened. Lying in their bed she'd begun to feel slight twinges in her stomach and mistaking them for just the baby moving around she'd shrugged it off. It wasn't until she'd thought she'd wet herself that Castle had twigged what was going on and rushed her to the hospital. Fourteen hours later, there they all were. She'd sworn her way through it, crushing Rick's hand in her own. At one point she'd freaked. She'd convinced herself that she wasn't ready for motherhood and, when she was almost there, she'd refused to push. Rick, bless his heart, had climbed up onto the bed behind her, legs on either side so she could brace herself against him, whispering words of encouragement into her ear. They'd both cried when they saw their daughter's face, heard her indignant scream for the first time. But now, it was all worth it.

She turned as the doors slid open, Rick slipping into the room. His eyes were soft as they glanced over her and the child curled in the cot beside her.

"Hey," his tone was gentle and he gently sat down on the edge of the bed beside her. He took her hand in his and gently rubbed small circles with his thumb just as he'd done so long ago. "How are you feeling?"

She smiled "Better." she turned back to the baby "I just can't stop looking at her."

He followed her gaze. "She is perfect."

But Beckett sighed, "we can't keep calling her 'her' or 'she' or 'the baby' for much longer Rick, we need a name." This had been the most contested part of her pregnancy. He'd started throwing names around as soon as she'd hit her second trimester - during her first it had almost been forbidden to talk about it at all despite her father, Alexis and his mother all knowing. Even when she'd gotten the all clear she'd still been nervous, she hadn't wanted to decide on a name or even know the sex of the baby. She hadn't let on but she'd been sure it wasn't going to work out and that she'd loose the baby. She'd convinced herself that the less she knew and the less she decided would mean the less painful it would be when she inevitably lost it. So now, they were without a name.

"Did you think about..." he paused, feeling as if he were treading on eggshells "naming her after your mother?"

She shook her head with a long exhale "No." they were silent for a moment "She's her own person, she needs her own name. Even if Mom was still alive she wouldn't want it. I want her to get away from that, the association. Of course I want her to know about her grandmother but it shouldn't be what defines her." There was a long pause as they both thought about Kate's mother, whose murder had defined her daughter for so long, the murder that had almost stopped Kate from ever finding happiness with Castle.

He nodded "Not even her middle name?"

"No, Rick."

They fell into silence again before he gave her a bright smile "Well I guess we'd better start from scratch then. Any preferences?"

"I want something simple, something that people won't be able to shorten. Simple yet elegant"

"Like Kate"

She scoffed "Kate's not elegant"

"Well I think it is."

She chuckled "But my name's not even Kate, it's Katherine"

"Very true" he paused for a moment "What was your favourite girl's name growing up? That's a girl thing to think about right?"

"I always liked Bella"

He shook his head "Nice, but everyone would think it was a Twilight reference" he shuddered "But, if we're going for B names" he paused "B names! We could have one for each letter of the alphabet; we have Alexis so we already have one down."

She rolled her eyes "Castle, I love you but I'm not pushing twenty-four more babies out of me."

"Okay... how about Zoe?"

"I'm not saying this has to be the last baby." now that made him feel all warm inside.

"Ugh, this was much easier with Alexis."

She smiled "Why?"

"I don't know, it just was. I guess Meredith didn't really care so much and I got to decide." He sighed "Meredith wasn't as stubborn as you are" he chuckled as she raised an eyebrow, her glare proving that despite her exhausted state, she could still hurt him if she had to.

"I always liked Rosalie"

"Again with the Twilight names Kate" he gave her hand a squeeze, lifting it to his lips to kiss it.

"Well I don't know, I never read them!"

"And that, my dear, is a blessing in disguise."

"What about Rose? Just, Rose." they were silent, both of them turning their heads to look once more at the crib. Their daughter squirmed, letting out a small gurgle as she opened her eyes, squinting at the world around her. Castle gave her a conspiratorial look before jumping off the bed in order to carefully lift their daughter out of the crib and into Kate's arms. Her daughter's eyes widened and focused in her arms, the thick dark lashes framing the cobalt blue, contrasting with her huge dark pupils. Kate was struck by the likeness to Rick, the blue mirrored in her daughter's steady, intense gaze. She smiled "Hiya Rose, I'm your mommy."

Two weeks later Rick turned over in his sleep, his arm stretching out to rest over Kate's as it often did as they slept. Yet this time it fell through air, hitting the colder side of the mattress. He groaned, opening his eyes to spot that she wasn't there. The house was silent. Rose had discovered she had a pair of lungs a few days ago and since then she'd loved the sound of her own voice, just like her father, Kate had teased. Yet now, it was silent, and Kate was gone. Pulling himself out of the warm bed he crept along the landing which was bathed in the warm light of the Christmas tree in its full glory. Rose's room was at the end of the hall, on the same landing as theirs. As he reached to open the door the sound of singing hit him, "Someone holds me safe and warm; horses prance through a silver storm" he smiled and cracked the door open slightly. He could see Kate, Rose curled in her arms as she danced from one end of the room to the other, obviously trying to soothe their daughter to sleep.

She hadn't stopped humming that song since she'd heard it. They'd been astonished to find out she'd never watched Anastasia before. It was their tradition on the 1st of December to curl up on the sofa together and watch it as a family, but she'd always been working during the couple of years she and Castle has been together. As it had happened, the 1st of December had been Kate's 'official' due date but as evening approached, they'd known it wasn't going to happen so they'd convinced her to sit and watch it with them. She'd been entranced, never taking her eyes off the screen. She'd told him later it was the idea of hope that captivated her, the idea that you could still find family. She'd retired to bed as soon as the movie had finished and later, when bringing her some hot chocolate which had become her vice during her pregnancy, he'd found her curled on their bed, tears pouring down her cheeks. Eventually he'd managed to get her to speak coherently (after much ranting and raving about 'stupid hormones') she'd finally got out that she was glad she had a family again, that she was glad she had them and when the baby finally decided to make an appearance she'd be complete again. So when he heard her singing the 'Once Upon a December' to their daughter he couldn't stop smiling. He watched as Rose finally drifted back off to sleep and Kate placed her back into her crib which had been painted white with swirling pink roses. "You can stop staring now Castle" her voice was soft and gentle yet her smile coquettish.

He pushed the door open, coming to stand beside her and watch their daughter sleep. She looked just like Kate when she was sleeping, she had the same hair, nose, mouth- the only thing different to her was her eyes and the way she slept. Kate always slept curled in a ball, foetal, whereas Rose was so relaxed her limbs were flung out, her body limp. "Nothing sexier than a woman looking after her child... especially if that woman is you."

She let out a small laugh in reply "You sap." She slapped him lightly on his chest as he wound his arm around her waist.

"What can I say?" They fell into an easy silence, watching their baby girl. Her tiny hands were clasped into fists, her bright red lips puckered and her messy brown hair standing up on end as she slept, her chest rising and falling. Kate turned into Rick, nuzzling into the crook of his neck and taking in his smell- sleep, toothpaste, the faint hint of his body wash before sighing contentedly.

"Come on, love," he murmured, squeezing her lightly "Let's go to bed."

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><p><strong>And so we reach the end. <strong>

**Thank you so much for reading.**

**Please review and I hope you all enjoyed it! **


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